Some people measure time from January to January, but mine is marked by moves and major events. A year ago I sat in the doctor's office anxiouly waiting the visual on the screen and the hummingbird speed of a heartbeat sound, but found heartache instead. The last year has been a very difficult one, colored with a lot of sadness and raw feelings. Throwing a baby in the mix of the last year would have been even harder. Sometimes loss is a gift. We are in a season of change and growth which is never easy.
Among other things, I have been grappling with the idea of letting go of fertility and the idea of ever having a daughter of my own. I was at the children's museum yesterday on a rare day off with my four year old. It was crowded with toddlers, babies, and young parents or grandparents. I felt old and done. My mental and physical health is just not the best these days.When growing babies has been the center of your life for twenty years, it is a huge adjustment to say goodbye to diapers for good and focus on just raising your family even though you thought someone was missing. It is a different kind of grief.
In the spring around the time I was due, several ladies from church were working on babies too and I'd babysit while they went to appointments. P would tell the kids that our baby died. Then it seemed like he forgot and never brought it up again. Last night out of the blue, he mentioned it again. A year almost to the day. I scooped him in my arms and held back tears.
Saturday, October 13, 2018
Monday, October 16, 2017
We're Pregnant!
Kinda.
Not Really.
Well, we WERE growing a baby, but it died 3 weeks ago. I'm in the very early stages of labor. As much as I actually love the experience of childbirth, I dread miscarriage labor and delivery. It's a different kind of beast. There's something beautiful and empowering about feeling your body and baby work together to bring life to the world. It isn't really pain to me. But the cramps and labor of death is lonely, heartbreaking, and painful.
It was a miraculous conception and one that was unexpected. From the moment I found out and wrapped my head around it, I wanted to start texting people that our 'insurance' (not giving away all our baby stuff before our move) didn't work. That was the first sign to me that we would probably lose this one. And then there was the spotting the weekend after I got sick. That was the second clue. I've only spotted on the babies I've lost. I thought I'd requested a blessing. Twice. But apparently I didn't communicate it clearly enough. Maybe it would have made a difference. Maybe not. We decided to tell the Boys early on so that if we did lose the baby, they wouldn't receive two shocks at once. J was not surprised with the news. A missed the announcement. P....oh P...... I have a story about him...
A friend gave birth to a beautiful little boy right before we moved and a picture of him popped up on Facebook one morning. P saw his little face and said, "I want one of those!" I asked him if he wanted a girl baby or a boy baby. He thought for a moment, then said, "A girl." I verified he wanted a sister, not a brother. I affirmed that maybe we'll get a sister this time. I kept scrolling through FB and an ad with a cute little girl came up. He made me stop, and said "That one! I want that sister!" I laughed and said, we have to wait for baby to get big enough before she comes. Off and on throughout the day he talked about the sister that was going to come. I'd have to tell him we had to wait and let her get big enough to come home. As soon as J walked in the door from school, P excitedly told him, "We're buying a sister!" lol For several days P would talk about the sister. He was disappointed when I explained it would be a baby sister first. He wanted a girl to play with. He really misses his playmates. Then one day he grumpily said, "I don't want a sister anymore." And that was the last he spoke of her.
Everyone's life goes on and the fact that I'm pregnant is not knowledge that affects their world, only mine. I was tired. When you're trying to unpack and settle in a new home, it's hard being tired and not feeling your best. I'd nap in the afternoons and fall asleep at 9:30pm. After my sickness (maybe the flu?), I gradually started feeling better. I changed my diet and cut out sugar and most refined carbs. I noticed I had more energy and wasn't dying so early in the evening. It made me wonder.
From the beginning I prayed for strength. Strength to raise another child or strength to endure the miscarriage. My first dr's appointment was no secret, and the date loomed at me. But it really meant nothing to everyone else. One of the worst feelings is laying down on the exam table waiting to hear or see a heartbeat. The days that stretched before the appointment, I tried not to worry. The anxiety was overwhelming before P's first appointment and it made for a very difficult family life. I didn't want that again. But a few day before the appointment, the anxiety crept in. By Friday morning, I was quite emotional. I asked for another blessing. This time more explicitly. Timing was bad. It wasn't a priority, so I texted some close friends and they were my prayer warriors. I received some strength from JG especially as she passed along this msg from her prayer (Bc I didn't give her specifics, only that I had a dr's appt I was anxious about, she was getting freaked out by all the possibilities) "He just told me to get ahold of myself. He said you know I'm a good daddy and love her. I've got this!" Immediately lyrics from the song "Good Father" came to mind... "he's a good, good father" and something about him knowing me. Over and over they played as I dropped P off and drove to my appt.
This office does an ultrasound first and then a checkup. Wise. The technician couldn't get a good view from the belly, so as expected, we had to do a transvaginal ultrasound. I could see the sac and the form, but I couldn't tell if there was a heartbeat or not. She took all the pictures she needed, cleaned me up and then said, "You are measuring 6 w and 3 days. I definitely see the fetal pole, but no heartbeat." Immediately another set of lyrics from "Good Father" came flooding in..."He's perfect in all of His ways." She said something about maybe the dates are off, and went to show the pictures to the midwife while I got dressed. I knew what it meant. I'm glad I had some time to cry. The midwife was sweet. Shocked to learn that I go through all the stages of labor and delivery for miscarriages.
She put in a request to check thyroid levels and is concerned that there's a reason behind 3 miscarriages. I have a follow up appointment later this week to confirm one way or another the status of this miscarriage. I'm curious what the thyroid test will tell us. I've gained well over 30 pounds since June. Most of that within a 2 month time period. One week I gained 5 pounds over a course of 3 days. It was ridiculous. I'd actually dropped 2 pounds since starting my new eating habits, but maybe it was just the beginning of the miscarriage that did it.
I took some time to process and cry before leaving to get P. I mostly held myself together. P did amazing for being with this family for the first time. He was in a good mood and wasn't ready to go to the car yet. They lived in an apartment complex on the second floor, so we climbed up and down stairs for a bit playing. We'd gotten to the top floor when he turned to me and asked, "How's your day going?" It's ok. "How was the dr appt? Good or bad?" Oh you sweet, sweet boy. Thank you for asking. It was bad. "Why was it bad?" Because our baby died. "Why did our baby die?" I don't know honey. It just happens sometimes.
We finally made it to the car and decided we needed - at least I did - some lunch. It was almost 1 at this point. He wanted to go inside and eat, so we did. Pretty soon after we got back in the car to go home dh called to find out what happened at the dr's office, so I let him know. When he got home from work we talked some more about it and what it means for our family. We need to do some more talking and a lot more praying. Yesterday after church I told J. He said, 'Guessed it.' A still doesn't know. P asked again about the dr's appt and we replayed the conversation from the other day, except I asked him why it was bad. He thought for a moment, and then said "Our baby died." That's right, buddy. "Why'd our baby die?" I don't know, honey. Sometimes it just happens. "Why" Baby's heart was broken. "Your heart's broken?" Yes, mommy's sad. Can I have a hug? He wrapped his arms around me and snuggled in. Then I shared this thought with him. Maybe, she wasn't ready to leave Heavenly Father yet. He nodded and hugged me tighter.
All weekend long I've gotten msgs from my 2 dear friends offering prayers and thoughts for me. I'm so grateful for them. On the way home from the dr's I heard a few songs that were about relying on the Savior's strength and bending to His will. Yesterday the Sacrament song had the lyric, "when his heart was stilled and broken"and I kind of lost it. One of the talks was on the enabling power of the Atonement and Grace. This is the strength I'm calling on to help me through. I was thinking about the quote that says something like, Courage is not the absence of fear but the power to follow through anyway. I decided to look it up to get it right. The true quote didn't quite fit what I wanted to say, so I looked up courage in general and a couple of scriptures popped up. One was Joshua 1:9
My contractions are getting stronger. It is time for the day to begin. All of my other miscarriages have happened in the wee hours of the night. This one may be different.
Not Really.
Well, we WERE growing a baby, but it died 3 weeks ago. I'm in the very early stages of labor. As much as I actually love the experience of childbirth, I dread miscarriage labor and delivery. It's a different kind of beast. There's something beautiful and empowering about feeling your body and baby work together to bring life to the world. It isn't really pain to me. But the cramps and labor of death is lonely, heartbreaking, and painful.
It was a miraculous conception and one that was unexpected. From the moment I found out and wrapped my head around it, I wanted to start texting people that our 'insurance' (not giving away all our baby stuff before our move) didn't work. That was the first sign to me that we would probably lose this one. And then there was the spotting the weekend after I got sick. That was the second clue. I've only spotted on the babies I've lost. I thought I'd requested a blessing. Twice. But apparently I didn't communicate it clearly enough. Maybe it would have made a difference. Maybe not. We decided to tell the Boys early on so that if we did lose the baby, they wouldn't receive two shocks at once. J was not surprised with the news. A missed the announcement. P....oh P...... I have a story about him...
A friend gave birth to a beautiful little boy right before we moved and a picture of him popped up on Facebook one morning. P saw his little face and said, "I want one of those!" I asked him if he wanted a girl baby or a boy baby. He thought for a moment, then said, "A girl." I verified he wanted a sister, not a brother. I affirmed that maybe we'll get a sister this time. I kept scrolling through FB and an ad with a cute little girl came up. He made me stop, and said "That one! I want that sister!" I laughed and said, we have to wait for baby to get big enough before she comes. Off and on throughout the day he talked about the sister that was going to come. I'd have to tell him we had to wait and let her get big enough to come home. As soon as J walked in the door from school, P excitedly told him, "We're buying a sister!" lol For several days P would talk about the sister. He was disappointed when I explained it would be a baby sister first. He wanted a girl to play with. He really misses his playmates. Then one day he grumpily said, "I don't want a sister anymore." And that was the last he spoke of her.
Everyone's life goes on and the fact that I'm pregnant is not knowledge that affects their world, only mine. I was tired. When you're trying to unpack and settle in a new home, it's hard being tired and not feeling your best. I'd nap in the afternoons and fall asleep at 9:30pm. After my sickness (maybe the flu?), I gradually started feeling better. I changed my diet and cut out sugar and most refined carbs. I noticed I had more energy and wasn't dying so early in the evening. It made me wonder.
From the beginning I prayed for strength. Strength to raise another child or strength to endure the miscarriage. My first dr's appointment was no secret, and the date loomed at me. But it really meant nothing to everyone else. One of the worst feelings is laying down on the exam table waiting to hear or see a heartbeat. The days that stretched before the appointment, I tried not to worry. The anxiety was overwhelming before P's first appointment and it made for a very difficult family life. I didn't want that again. But a few day before the appointment, the anxiety crept in. By Friday morning, I was quite emotional. I asked for another blessing. This time more explicitly. Timing was bad. It wasn't a priority, so I texted some close friends and they were my prayer warriors. I received some strength from JG especially as she passed along this msg from her prayer (Bc I didn't give her specifics, only that I had a dr's appt I was anxious about, she was getting freaked out by all the possibilities) "He just told me to get ahold of myself. He said you know I'm a good daddy and love her. I've got this!" Immediately lyrics from the song "Good Father" came to mind... "he's a good, good father" and something about him knowing me. Over and over they played as I dropped P off and drove to my appt.
This office does an ultrasound first and then a checkup. Wise. The technician couldn't get a good view from the belly, so as expected, we had to do a transvaginal ultrasound. I could see the sac and the form, but I couldn't tell if there was a heartbeat or not. She took all the pictures she needed, cleaned me up and then said, "You are measuring 6 w and 3 days. I definitely see the fetal pole, but no heartbeat." Immediately another set of lyrics from "Good Father" came flooding in..."He's perfect in all of His ways." She said something about maybe the dates are off, and went to show the pictures to the midwife while I got dressed. I knew what it meant. I'm glad I had some time to cry. The midwife was sweet. Shocked to learn that I go through all the stages of labor and delivery for miscarriages.
She put in a request to check thyroid levels and is concerned that there's a reason behind 3 miscarriages. I have a follow up appointment later this week to confirm one way or another the status of this miscarriage. I'm curious what the thyroid test will tell us. I've gained well over 30 pounds since June. Most of that within a 2 month time period. One week I gained 5 pounds over a course of 3 days. It was ridiculous. I'd actually dropped 2 pounds since starting my new eating habits, but maybe it was just the beginning of the miscarriage that did it.
I took some time to process and cry before leaving to get P. I mostly held myself together. P did amazing for being with this family for the first time. He was in a good mood and wasn't ready to go to the car yet. They lived in an apartment complex on the second floor, so we climbed up and down stairs for a bit playing. We'd gotten to the top floor when he turned to me and asked, "How's your day going?" It's ok. "How was the dr appt? Good or bad?" Oh you sweet, sweet boy. Thank you for asking. It was bad. "Why was it bad?" Because our baby died. "Why did our baby die?" I don't know honey. It just happens sometimes.
We finally made it to the car and decided we needed - at least I did - some lunch. It was almost 1 at this point. He wanted to go inside and eat, so we did. Pretty soon after we got back in the car to go home dh called to find out what happened at the dr's office, so I let him know. When he got home from work we talked some more about it and what it means for our family. We need to do some more talking and a lot more praying. Yesterday after church I told J. He said, 'Guessed it.' A still doesn't know. P asked again about the dr's appt and we replayed the conversation from the other day, except I asked him why it was bad. He thought for a moment, and then said "Our baby died." That's right, buddy. "Why'd our baby die?" I don't know, honey. Sometimes it just happens. "Why" Baby's heart was broken. "Your heart's broken?" Yes, mommy's sad. Can I have a hug? He wrapped his arms around me and snuggled in. Then I shared this thought with him. Maybe, she wasn't ready to leave Heavenly Father yet. He nodded and hugged me tighter.
All weekend long I've gotten msgs from my 2 dear friends offering prayers and thoughts for me. I'm so grateful for them. On the way home from the dr's I heard a few songs that were about relying on the Savior's strength and bending to His will. Yesterday the Sacrament song had the lyric, "when his heart was stilled and broken"and I kind of lost it. One of the talks was on the enabling power of the Atonement and Grace. This is the strength I'm calling on to help me through. I was thinking about the quote that says something like, Courage is not the absence of fear but the power to follow through anyway. I decided to look it up to get it right. The true quote didn't quite fit what I wanted to say, so I looked up courage in general and a couple of scriptures popped up. One was Joshua 1:9
Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.The other was Isaiah 41:10.
Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.THIS is what I was looking for. I just didn't know it. I realized I was looking at the wrong source for courage. You know, as hard and painful as my miscarriage experiences have been, they've also been holy ones. In those moments of agony, the veil has been thin and I've been wrapped in a peace and comfort too. Though it is lonely, I've not been alone. It is a sacred space.
My contractions are getting stronger. It is time for the day to begin. All of my other miscarriages have happened in the wee hours of the night. This one may be different.
"Doubt not, but be believing..."
(original post written Wed, Dec 7, 2016 - unfinished)
Ouch! I can't believe I haven't written in almost a year!! But I felt the need to document an important thing happening, and it begins with this scripture:
Mormon 9:26-28
26 And now, behold, who can stand against the works of the Lord? Who can deny his sayings? Who will rise up against the almighty power of the Lord? Who will despise the works of the Lord? Who will despise the children of Christ? Behold, all ye who are despisers of the works of the Lord, for ye shall wonder and perish.
27 O then despise not, and wonder not, but hearken unto the words of the Lord, and ask the Father in the name of Jesus for what things soever ye shall stand in need. Doubt not, but be believing, and begin as in times of old, and come unto the Lord with all your heart, and work out your own salvation with fear and trembling before him.
28 Be wise in the days of your probation; strip yourselves of all uncleanness; ask not, that ye may consume it on your lusts, but ask with a firmness unshaken, that ye will yield to no temptation, but that ye will serve the true and living God.
Victories
Monday ate from menu plan and did not snack after breakfast. When I felt hunger, I drank water instead.
Tuesday: my visit teacher brought my favorite sugar cookies, but instead of devouring them right away, I put them out of sight and only pulled them out as dessert for the missionaries. I only ate half of one.
Wed: today has been a lot harder. I feel hungry all time, but I have really snacked. Instead I've cleaned my room.
Ouch! I can't believe I haven't written in almost a year!! But I felt the need to document an important thing happening, and it begins with this scripture:
Mormon 9:26-28
26 And now, behold, who can stand against the works of the Lord? Who can deny his sayings? Who will rise up against the almighty power of the Lord? Who will despise the works of the Lord? Who will despise the children of Christ? Behold, all ye who are despisers of the works of the Lord, for ye shall wonder and perish.
27 O then despise not, and wonder not, but hearken unto the words of the Lord, and ask the Father in the name of Jesus for what things soever ye shall stand in need. Doubt not, but be believing, and begin as in times of old, and come unto the Lord with all your heart, and work out your own salvation with fear and trembling before him.
28 Be wise in the days of your probation; strip yourselves of all uncleanness; ask not, that ye may consume it on your lusts, but ask with a firmness unshaken, that ye will yield to no temptation, but that ye will serve the true and living God.
Victories
Monday ate from menu plan and did not snack after breakfast. When I felt hunger, I drank water instead.
Tuesday: my visit teacher brought my favorite sugar cookies, but instead of devouring them right away, I put them out of sight and only pulled them out as dessert for the missionaries. I only ate half of one.
Wed: today has been a lot harder. I feel hungry all time, but I have really snacked. Instead I've cleaned my room.
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
Holy Ghost talk (unfinished)
Written 10/17/10 (unfinished)
I suppose after my expression of gratitude for the Holy Ghost last week that it is fitting that I should be asked to speak on the role and mission of the Holy Ghost this week. Actually, that very topic had been on my mind the days leading up to the night that I was given the assignment. I had been feeling the influence of the Spirit directing me and giving me the courage to stand up for what is right and good. So, with this in mind, let me proceed.
The 1st of AoF statates that "We believe in God the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost." "“… there are three,” says John the Beloved, “that bear record in heaven, the Father, the Word, and the Holy Ghost: and these three are one” (1 Jn. 5:7), signifying, of course, they are one in understanding and purpose. Of them the Prophet Joseph said:
“… these three are one; or, in other words, these three constitute the great, matchless, governing and supreme power over all things; by whom all things were created and made … and these three constitute the Godhead, and are one.” (Quoted in Bruce R. McConkie, Mormon Doctrine, 2nd ed., Bookcraft, Inc., 1966, p. 320.)
As a member of the Godhead, and being one with the Father and the Son, the Holy Ghost is, as are the Father and the Son, omniscient. He comprehends all truth having a “knowledge of [all] things.” (D&C 93:24.)" (Marion G. Romney, “The Holy Ghost,” Ensign, May 1974, 90)
We learn in the D&C section 130:22-23 that "The Father has a body of flesh and bones as tangible as man’s; the Son also; but the Holy Ghost has not a body of flesh and bones, but is a personage of Spirit. Were it not so, the Holy Ghost could not dwell in us. A man may receive the Holy Ghost, and it may descend upon him and not tarry with him."
Role of the Holy Ghost
The Bible Dictionary says this about the Holy Ghost:
"The Holy Ghost is manifested to men on the earth both as the power of the Holy Ghost and as the gift of the Holy Ghost. The power can come upon one before baptism, and is the convincing witness that the gospel is true. It gives one a testimony of Jesus Christ and of his work and the work of his servants upon the earth. The gift can come only after proper and authorized baptism, and is conferred by the laying on of hands, as in Acts 8: 12-25 and Moroni 2: 1-3. The gift of the Holy Ghost is the right to have, whenever one is worthy, the companionship of the Holy Ghost. More powerful than that which is available before baptism, it acts as a cleansing agent to purify a person and sanctify him from all sin."
The Holy Ghost plays a vital part in the plan of Salvation. He is the Comforter and testifier of truth. He sanctifies and purifies our hearts. After we are baptized, we are confirmed members of the church and receive the Gift of the Holy Ghost. When I stop to comprehend what that means, I am amazed at the knowledge that I am able to have a member of the Godhead as a constant companion.
The gift of the Holy Ghost includes the right to constant companionship, that we may “always have his Spirit to be with [us]” (D&C 20:77).
The blessings available through the gift of the Holy Ghost are conditioned upon worthiness. “The Spirit of the Lord doth not dwell in unholy temples” (Hel. 4:24; see also Mosiah 2:36–37; 1 Cor. 3:16–17). Even though we have a right to his constant companionship, the Spirit of the Lord will dwell only with us when we keep the commandments. He will withdraw when we offend him by profanity, uncleanliness, disobedience, rebellion, or other serious sins.
Elder Bednar offered these warnings:
King Benjamin’s address... Mosiah 2:1-6
I suppose after my expression of gratitude for the Holy Ghost last week that it is fitting that I should be asked to speak on the role and mission of the Holy Ghost this week. Actually, that very topic had been on my mind the days leading up to the night that I was given the assignment. I had been feeling the influence of the Spirit directing me and giving me the courage to stand up for what is right and good. So, with this in mind, let me proceed.
The 1st of AoF statates that "We believe in God the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost." "“… there are three,” says John the Beloved, “that bear record in heaven, the Father, the Word, and the Holy Ghost: and these three are one” (1 Jn. 5:7), signifying, of course, they are one in understanding and purpose. Of them the Prophet Joseph said:
“… these three are one; or, in other words, these three constitute the great, matchless, governing and supreme power over all things; by whom all things were created and made … and these three constitute the Godhead, and are one.” (Quoted in Bruce R. McConkie, Mormon Doctrine, 2nd ed., Bookcraft, Inc., 1966, p. 320.)
As a member of the Godhead, and being one with the Father and the Son, the Holy Ghost is, as are the Father and the Son, omniscient. He comprehends all truth having a “knowledge of [all] things.” (D&C 93:24.)" (Marion G. Romney, “The Holy Ghost,” Ensign, May 1974, 90)
We learn in the D&C section 130:22-23 that "The Father has a body of flesh and bones as tangible as man’s; the Son also; but the Holy Ghost has not a body of flesh and bones, but is a personage of Spirit. Were it not so, the Holy Ghost could not dwell in us. A man may receive the Holy Ghost, and it may descend upon him and not tarry with him."
Role of the Holy Ghost
The Bible Dictionary says this about the Holy Ghost:
"The Holy Ghost is manifested to men on the earth both as the power of the Holy Ghost and as the gift of the Holy Ghost. The power can come upon one before baptism, and is the convincing witness that the gospel is true. It gives one a testimony of Jesus Christ and of his work and the work of his servants upon the earth. The gift can come only after proper and authorized baptism, and is conferred by the laying on of hands, as in Acts 8: 12-25 and Moroni 2: 1-3. The gift of the Holy Ghost is the right to have, whenever one is worthy, the companionship of the Holy Ghost. More powerful than that which is available before baptism, it acts as a cleansing agent to purify a person and sanctify him from all sin."
The Holy Ghost plays a vital part in the plan of Salvation. He is the Comforter and testifier of truth. He sanctifies and purifies our hearts. After we are baptized, we are confirmed members of the church and receive the Gift of the Holy Ghost. When I stop to comprehend what that means, I am amazed at the knowledge that I am able to have a member of the Godhead as a constant companion.
The gift of the Holy Ghost includes the right to constant companionship, that we may “always have his Spirit to be with [us]” (D&C 20:77).
The blessings available through the gift of the Holy Ghost are conditioned upon worthiness. “The Spirit of the Lord doth not dwell in unholy temples” (Hel. 4:24; see also Mosiah 2:36–37; 1 Cor. 3:16–17). Even though we have a right to his constant companionship, the Spirit of the Lord will dwell only with us when we keep the commandments. He will withdraw when we offend him by profanity, uncleanliness, disobedience, rebellion, or other serious sins.
Elder Bednar offered these warnings:
King Benjamin’s address... Mosiah 2:1-6
Faith in Jesus Christ
March 17, 2010
You have to be careful what you think because the Lord does hear your thoughts. Over the last few weeks I have felt such an overwhelming sense of gratitude for all that the Lord has done for us/me that I found myself thinking that if the next week were Fast Sunday I'd share my testimony. Well, apparently the Lord prepared a way around the calendar for me - and I am indeed grateful for the opportunity.
The topic is the first principle of the gospel: Faith in Jesus Christ. Overall I think of Faith in Jesus Christ as being our willingness to act on the Lord's commands because of our trust and belief that Jesus Christ did what he said he would do - which is atone for our sins and be resurrected,- and that the Lord continues to act as an influence in our lives. Scripturally, faith as discussed in Alma 32:21 "is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true." Paul also testifies in Hebrews 11:1 that "faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." So faith is not knowing all the answers, but you act according to the belief in the answers you do have.
In Moroni 7, Mormon asks:
41 And what is it that ye shall hope for? Behold I say unto you that ye shall have hope through the atonement of Christ and the power of his resurrection, to be raised unto life eternal, and this because of your faith in him according to the promise.
42 Wherefore, if a man have faith he must needs have hope; for without faith there cannot be any hope.
43 And again, behold I say unto you that he cannot have faith and hope, save he shall be meek, and lowly of heart.
44 If so, his faith and hope is vain, for none is acceptable before God, save the meek and lowly in heart; and if a man be meek and lowly in heart, and confesses by the power of the Holy Ghost that Jesus is the Christ, he must needs have charity; for if he have not charity he is nothing; wherefore he must needs have charity.
It is not enough for us to believe in the Savior and hope that we'll make it back to live with Him. We can gauge the quality of our faith and testimony by the love we feel for others and how we treat them. I have found in my own life that when I am in the midst of a good relationship with the Savior, an innate desire to share the gospel grows because I feel confident in my beliefs and a kinship with the people I come in contact with. I am able to see them as a child of God and I literally feel love for them even though I may not know them. There have been a few times in my life when I felt true charity. Once such time was part of the mantle of stewardship from a leadership position as a youth. Another time was in my college years. I don't remember all the details, only that I was praying about missionary work. I do remember that feeling of love for others so strongly, but it is fleeting when we don't nurture or maintain our testimony and relationship with the Savior.
So, how do we increase our faith in the Savior? It is a process that must be studied, practiced and worked at just like any other skill. The prophet Alma in the Book of Mormon likened increasing our faith to planting a seed.
27 But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.
28 Now, we will compare the word unto a seed. Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell within your breasts; and when you feel these swelling motions, ye will begin to say within yourselves—It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me.
29 Now behold, would not this increase your faith? I say unto you, Yea; nevertheless it hath not grown up to a perfect knowledge.
30 But behold, as the seed swelleth, and sprouteth, and beginneth to grow, then you must needs say that the seed is good; for behold it swelleth, and sprouteth, and beginneth to grow. And now, behold, will not this strengthen your faith? Yea, it will strengthen your faith: for ye will say I know that this is a good seed; for behold it sprouteth and beginneth to grow.
It begins with a desire to have faith in Jesus. We can learn who He is by studying His life in the scriptures, praying to develop a relationship with Him, and then acting on the things we learn. This is the great experiement. We will soon discover for ourselves what is truth. As we learn truth and seek greater understanding, our faith will grow.
Alma 32:26-43
36 Behold I say unto you, Nay; neither must ye lay aside your faith, for ye have only exercised your faith to plant the seed that ye might try the experiment to know if the seed was good.
37 And behold, as the tree beginneth to grow, ye will say: Let us nourish it with great care, that it may get root, that it may grow up, and bring forth fruit unto us. And now behold, if ye nourish it with much care it will get root, and grow up, and bring forth fruit.
38 But if ye neglect the tree, and take no thought for its nourishment, behold it will not get any root; and when the heat of the sun cometh and scorcheth it, because it hath no root it withers away, and ye pluck it up and cast it out.
39 Now, this is not because the seed was not good, neither is it because the fruit thereof would not be desirable; but it is because your ground is barren, and ye will not nourish the tree, therefore ye cannot have the fruit thereof.
40 And thus, if ye will not nourish the word, looking forward with an eye of faith to the fruit thereof, ye can never pluck of the fruit of the tree of life.
41 But if ye will nourish the word, yea, nourish the tree as it beginneth to grow, by your faith with great diligence, and with patience, looking forward to the fruit thereof, it shall take root; and behold it shall be a tree springing up unto everlasting life.
42 And because of your diligence and your faith and your patience with the word in nourishing it, that it may take root in you, behold, by and by ye shall pluck the fruit thereof, which is most precious, which is sweet above all that is sweet, and which is white above all that is white, yea, and pure above all that is pure; and ye shall feast upon this fruit even until ye are filled, that ye hunger not, neither shall ye thirst.
43 Then, my brethren, ye shall reap the rewards of your faith, and your diligence, and patience, and long-suffering, waiting for the tree to bring forth fruit unto you.
When we were in the trenches of the trial of infertility, there came a point where I was literally putting one spiritual foot in front of the other to make it through each day. My faith and testimony was shaken. I couldn't discern my own thoughts from the Lord's voice anymore. I read my scriptures and prayed without feeling because I knew there was a level of blessing that came from going through the motions even though my heart wasn't in it. I knew I couldn't afford to stop moving altogether. It was a dark time for me. I came to a point where I knew I needed to learn the voice of the Lord again. I relied on Alma's process of experimenting on the word. It was a simple, small experiment but it made all the difference. I needed to buy new shoe laces for Matthew. I went to Dollar Tree to hunt for them and found them. I had this feeling though that I shouldn't buy them. I had a choice to make. I could either listen to the feeling or brush it off. I decided to test the feeling and went to Wal-Mart to price them. Wal-Mart's shoe laces were 88 cents and had an extra set in them. At that moment, I knew I'd felt the promptings of the Spirit. I reveled in that feeling and committed that feeling of the voice to memory so that I would be able to recognize it again. Another opportunity came for something that I don't even remember at this point, but I felt that warning voice again and told Matthew what I felt. We decided to follow my prompting. Again we were blessed. Out of that small 12 cent experiment, my faith and testimony was nourished and allowed to grow and blossom again. Our trial of infertility did not end immediately after that just because I learned the voice of the Lord again, but it gave me an anchor of hope. I received reassurances through Priesthood blessings that the desires of my heart would soon be fulfilled. Soon is relative, but I knew the Lord keeps His promises. I was able to find happiness and peace again.
As we pray for the Lord's help, we have to be willing to do our part. President Spencer W. Kimball said: "In faith we plant the seed, and soon we see the miracle of the blossoming. Men have often misunderstood and reversed the process." He continued by explaining that many of us want to have health and strength without keeping the health laws. We want to have prosperity without paying our tithes. We want to be close to the Lord but don't want to fast and pray. We want to have rain in due season and to have peace in the land without observing the Sabbath as a holy day and without keeping the other commandments of the Lord. (See Faith Precedes the Miracle, p. 4)
For us in our experience with infertility, I had to show the Lord I was willing and committed to do my part by putting my life in the hands of medical technology. This was a hard thing for me to do because I don't even like taking medicine for a headache. I still remember clearly the night that I made that decision and the feeling of relief and peace and excitement I felt. That decision was the beginning of many miracles and blessings for us.
I testify that the Lord knows us individually and intimately. He loves us, and if we let Him, He will direct our lives in a manner that will enable us to be better than we could ever be alone. He will prepare a way for us to overcome our trials and temptations.
As I prayed about this talk, I was strongly impressed to share this experience with you. The more I've thought about this, the more I see the Lord's hand in our lives. We are so blessed. When Matthew's father died, we were blessed with an amount of inheritance that we had earmarked for certain things like a family vacation, repairs for the house, and savings. At the time Matthew was working and going to school full-time and rarely had a Sunday off. Such a schedule is challenging on many levels, so after much discussion we decided that he would approach his manager about getting Sundays off. The result was a two-day work week that allowed Sundays off and more time to focus on school. We planned to supplement our income for a few months with our savings until Matthew graduated and could pursue a full-time military career. Unfortunately more time passed than we'd have liked and the only thing that changed was the amount of money in our savings account. Job hunting was yielding no return. I suggested to Matthew that it was time we started really praying about our situation. As we prayed that evening, I could tell that Matthew received direction from the Lord. The answer he received was Matthew 6:31-34
31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself...."
My inner response was, 'Great. I'll keep praying.'
From this vantage point, I can see the Lord's hand in preparing a way long ago. In 2007 I received my first request to teach piano lessons. I was in my last trimester of pregnancy with Aaron and was in no way ready to teach, but it did plant a seed. The Christmas program the choir prepared in 2008 really challenged my level of piano skills and by the end of that experience I was a better player (and a better person). As a result of that program, I again began getting requests to teach piano lessons. I did research about teaching and felt completely unqualified and inadequate. One of my friends would not give up on me though, so I took the matter to the Lord. His response was that I should do it. So I did. I held my first piano lesson at the end of last April and by the end of May had eight students. By Christmas my students numbered 12. In January it became obvious that we would need to start utilizing my piano earnings to supplement Matthew's income. We had enough savings left to make it through two more months. I began wondering if I should try to take on more students and try to work with more advanced students even though I've limited my students to beginners. The two months passed and two of my students decided they no longer wanted to pursue piano, but two days later I received a phone call from a young man who wanted to take lessons. A week after that I received another call for a current student to go from twice a month lessons to weekly. What a blessing! These calls truly were answers to prayer. The Lord continues to prepare the way as He directs me with new avenues in my piano teaching.
At the beginning of March, Matthew got a call from his Army Reserve unit asking him to come in and work for two days that week. And three days the week after. And two days before his drill weekend. Spring break is a busy time on the river, so Matthew received a call from his supervisor asking if he would be willing to work this Sunday. Matthew told him no, but he could work Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. The end result was 13 straight days of working plus two days of double shifts. The Lord has provided a way for us.
We had a discussion with Jared recently about what makes Sunday special. In that talk we told him that when we choose to go to the store on Sunday or ride the tour boats on the river walk (in Matthew's case), we make it so others have to work and not be able to keep the Sabbath day holy. In this discussion I learned that the only way that Matthew was able to get Sundays off was to go part time. It is an exercise of faith to give up your full-time status and its benefits so that you can have Sundays off. The Lord promised us that 'if ye first seek the kingdom of God, all these things shall be added unto you'. I testify that He has clothed us through the generosity of others; He has fed us with a generous gift card received at Christmas through his work and with an effort to prepare our meals using our food storage, the morrow has been taken care of with the talents and skills He blessed us with and we developed along the way. My heart overflows with gratitude as my eyes are opened up to even more ways that He has helped us for this moment. And I recognize now that the expression of gratitude also increases our faith. Over the last few weeks my prayers have been ones of gratitude with little asking in return. As I think about it, those have been the weeks when the Lord has poured His blessings on us. Perhaps there is a lesson in that.
As my eyes are opened to all the moments where the Lord touched and blessed our lives even in sorrow and hardship, how can I not dedicate my life to Him? How can I not say, Thy will be done? How can I not trust that His way is the best way?
Again I testify, the Lord knows us. He loves us. Jesus is the Christ. He atoned for our sins and paid the price for the ends of the law to be satisfied that mercy may have effect. As we exercise faith in Jesus, He will meet us and magnify us. I so testify in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
You have to be careful what you think because the Lord does hear your thoughts. Over the last few weeks I have felt such an overwhelming sense of gratitude for all that the Lord has done for us/me that I found myself thinking that if the next week were Fast Sunday I'd share my testimony. Well, apparently the Lord prepared a way around the calendar for me - and I am indeed grateful for the opportunity.
The topic is the first principle of the gospel: Faith in Jesus Christ. Overall I think of Faith in Jesus Christ as being our willingness to act on the Lord's commands because of our trust and belief that Jesus Christ did what he said he would do - which is atone for our sins and be resurrected,- and that the Lord continues to act as an influence in our lives. Scripturally, faith as discussed in Alma 32:21 "is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true." Paul also testifies in Hebrews 11:1 that "faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." So faith is not knowing all the answers, but you act according to the belief in the answers you do have.
In Moroni 7, Mormon asks:
41 And what is it that ye shall hope for? Behold I say unto you that ye shall have hope through the atonement of Christ and the power of his resurrection, to be raised unto life eternal, and this because of your faith in him according to the promise.
42 Wherefore, if a man have faith he must needs have hope; for without faith there cannot be any hope.
43 And again, behold I say unto you that he cannot have faith and hope, save he shall be meek, and lowly of heart.
44 If so, his faith and hope is vain, for none is acceptable before God, save the meek and lowly in heart; and if a man be meek and lowly in heart, and confesses by the power of the Holy Ghost that Jesus is the Christ, he must needs have charity; for if he have not charity he is nothing; wherefore he must needs have charity.
It is not enough for us to believe in the Savior and hope that we'll make it back to live with Him. We can gauge the quality of our faith and testimony by the love we feel for others and how we treat them. I have found in my own life that when I am in the midst of a good relationship with the Savior, an innate desire to share the gospel grows because I feel confident in my beliefs and a kinship with the people I come in contact with. I am able to see them as a child of God and I literally feel love for them even though I may not know them. There have been a few times in my life when I felt true charity. Once such time was part of the mantle of stewardship from a leadership position as a youth. Another time was in my college years. I don't remember all the details, only that I was praying about missionary work. I do remember that feeling of love for others so strongly, but it is fleeting when we don't nurture or maintain our testimony and relationship with the Savior.
So, how do we increase our faith in the Savior? It is a process that must be studied, practiced and worked at just like any other skill. The prophet Alma in the Book of Mormon likened increasing our faith to planting a seed.
27 But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.
28 Now, we will compare the word unto a seed. Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell within your breasts; and when you feel these swelling motions, ye will begin to say within yourselves—It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me.
29 Now behold, would not this increase your faith? I say unto you, Yea; nevertheless it hath not grown up to a perfect knowledge.
30 But behold, as the seed swelleth, and sprouteth, and beginneth to grow, then you must needs say that the seed is good; for behold it swelleth, and sprouteth, and beginneth to grow. And now, behold, will not this strengthen your faith? Yea, it will strengthen your faith: for ye will say I know that this is a good seed; for behold it sprouteth and beginneth to grow.
It begins with a desire to have faith in Jesus. We can learn who He is by studying His life in the scriptures, praying to develop a relationship with Him, and then acting on the things we learn. This is the great experiement. We will soon discover for ourselves what is truth. As we learn truth and seek greater understanding, our faith will grow.
Alma 32:26-43
36 Behold I say unto you, Nay; neither must ye lay aside your faith, for ye have only exercised your faith to plant the seed that ye might try the experiment to know if the seed was good.
37 And behold, as the tree beginneth to grow, ye will say: Let us nourish it with great care, that it may get root, that it may grow up, and bring forth fruit unto us. And now behold, if ye nourish it with much care it will get root, and grow up, and bring forth fruit.
38 But if ye neglect the tree, and take no thought for its nourishment, behold it will not get any root; and when the heat of the sun cometh and scorcheth it, because it hath no root it withers away, and ye pluck it up and cast it out.
39 Now, this is not because the seed was not good, neither is it because the fruit thereof would not be desirable; but it is because your ground is barren, and ye will not nourish the tree, therefore ye cannot have the fruit thereof.
40 And thus, if ye will not nourish the word, looking forward with an eye of faith to the fruit thereof, ye can never pluck of the fruit of the tree of life.
41 But if ye will nourish the word, yea, nourish the tree as it beginneth to grow, by your faith with great diligence, and with patience, looking forward to the fruit thereof, it shall take root; and behold it shall be a tree springing up unto everlasting life.
42 And because of your diligence and your faith and your patience with the word in nourishing it, that it may take root in you, behold, by and by ye shall pluck the fruit thereof, which is most precious, which is sweet above all that is sweet, and which is white above all that is white, yea, and pure above all that is pure; and ye shall feast upon this fruit even until ye are filled, that ye hunger not, neither shall ye thirst.
43 Then, my brethren, ye shall reap the rewards of your faith, and your diligence, and patience, and long-suffering, waiting for the tree to bring forth fruit unto you.
When we were in the trenches of the trial of infertility, there came a point where I was literally putting one spiritual foot in front of the other to make it through each day. My faith and testimony was shaken. I couldn't discern my own thoughts from the Lord's voice anymore. I read my scriptures and prayed without feeling because I knew there was a level of blessing that came from going through the motions even though my heart wasn't in it. I knew I couldn't afford to stop moving altogether. It was a dark time for me. I came to a point where I knew I needed to learn the voice of the Lord again. I relied on Alma's process of experimenting on the word. It was a simple, small experiment but it made all the difference. I needed to buy new shoe laces for Matthew. I went to Dollar Tree to hunt for them and found them. I had this feeling though that I shouldn't buy them. I had a choice to make. I could either listen to the feeling or brush it off. I decided to test the feeling and went to Wal-Mart to price them. Wal-Mart's shoe laces were 88 cents and had an extra set in them. At that moment, I knew I'd felt the promptings of the Spirit. I reveled in that feeling and committed that feeling of the voice to memory so that I would be able to recognize it again. Another opportunity came for something that I don't even remember at this point, but I felt that warning voice again and told Matthew what I felt. We decided to follow my prompting. Again we were blessed. Out of that small 12 cent experiment, my faith and testimony was nourished and allowed to grow and blossom again. Our trial of infertility did not end immediately after that just because I learned the voice of the Lord again, but it gave me an anchor of hope. I received reassurances through Priesthood blessings that the desires of my heart would soon be fulfilled. Soon is relative, but I knew the Lord keeps His promises. I was able to find happiness and peace again.
As we pray for the Lord's help, we have to be willing to do our part. President Spencer W. Kimball said: "In faith we plant the seed, and soon we see the miracle of the blossoming. Men have often misunderstood and reversed the process." He continued by explaining that many of us want to have health and strength without keeping the health laws. We want to have prosperity without paying our tithes. We want to be close to the Lord but don't want to fast and pray. We want to have rain in due season and to have peace in the land without observing the Sabbath as a holy day and without keeping the other commandments of the Lord. (See Faith Precedes the Miracle, p. 4)
For us in our experience with infertility, I had to show the Lord I was willing and committed to do my part by putting my life in the hands of medical technology. This was a hard thing for me to do because I don't even like taking medicine for a headache. I still remember clearly the night that I made that decision and the feeling of relief and peace and excitement I felt. That decision was the beginning of many miracles and blessings for us.
I testify that the Lord knows us individually and intimately. He loves us, and if we let Him, He will direct our lives in a manner that will enable us to be better than we could ever be alone. He will prepare a way for us to overcome our trials and temptations.
As I prayed about this talk, I was strongly impressed to share this experience with you. The more I've thought about this, the more I see the Lord's hand in our lives. We are so blessed. When Matthew's father died, we were blessed with an amount of inheritance that we had earmarked for certain things like a family vacation, repairs for the house, and savings. At the time Matthew was working and going to school full-time and rarely had a Sunday off. Such a schedule is challenging on many levels, so after much discussion we decided that he would approach his manager about getting Sundays off. The result was a two-day work week that allowed Sundays off and more time to focus on school. We planned to supplement our income for a few months with our savings until Matthew graduated and could pursue a full-time military career. Unfortunately more time passed than we'd have liked and the only thing that changed was the amount of money in our savings account. Job hunting was yielding no return. I suggested to Matthew that it was time we started really praying about our situation. As we prayed that evening, I could tell that Matthew received direction from the Lord. The answer he received was Matthew 6:31-34
31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself...."
My inner response was, 'Great. I'll keep praying.'
From this vantage point, I can see the Lord's hand in preparing a way long ago. In 2007 I received my first request to teach piano lessons. I was in my last trimester of pregnancy with Aaron and was in no way ready to teach, but it did plant a seed. The Christmas program the choir prepared in 2008 really challenged my level of piano skills and by the end of that experience I was a better player (and a better person). As a result of that program, I again began getting requests to teach piano lessons. I did research about teaching and felt completely unqualified and inadequate. One of my friends would not give up on me though, so I took the matter to the Lord. His response was that I should do it. So I did. I held my first piano lesson at the end of last April and by the end of May had eight students. By Christmas my students numbered 12. In January it became obvious that we would need to start utilizing my piano earnings to supplement Matthew's income. We had enough savings left to make it through two more months. I began wondering if I should try to take on more students and try to work with more advanced students even though I've limited my students to beginners. The two months passed and two of my students decided they no longer wanted to pursue piano, but two days later I received a phone call from a young man who wanted to take lessons. A week after that I received another call for a current student to go from twice a month lessons to weekly. What a blessing! These calls truly were answers to prayer. The Lord continues to prepare the way as He directs me with new avenues in my piano teaching.
At the beginning of March, Matthew got a call from his Army Reserve unit asking him to come in and work for two days that week. And three days the week after. And two days before his drill weekend. Spring break is a busy time on the river, so Matthew received a call from his supervisor asking if he would be willing to work this Sunday. Matthew told him no, but he could work Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. The end result was 13 straight days of working plus two days of double shifts. The Lord has provided a way for us.
We had a discussion with Jared recently about what makes Sunday special. In that talk we told him that when we choose to go to the store on Sunday or ride the tour boats on the river walk (in Matthew's case), we make it so others have to work and not be able to keep the Sabbath day holy. In this discussion I learned that the only way that Matthew was able to get Sundays off was to go part time. It is an exercise of faith to give up your full-time status and its benefits so that you can have Sundays off. The Lord promised us that 'if ye first seek the kingdom of God, all these things shall be added unto you'. I testify that He has clothed us through the generosity of others; He has fed us with a generous gift card received at Christmas through his work and with an effort to prepare our meals using our food storage, the morrow has been taken care of with the talents and skills He blessed us with and we developed along the way. My heart overflows with gratitude as my eyes are opened up to even more ways that He has helped us for this moment. And I recognize now that the expression of gratitude also increases our faith. Over the last few weeks my prayers have been ones of gratitude with little asking in return. As I think about it, those have been the weeks when the Lord has poured His blessings on us. Perhaps there is a lesson in that.
As my eyes are opened to all the moments where the Lord touched and blessed our lives even in sorrow and hardship, how can I not dedicate my life to Him? How can I not say, Thy will be done? How can I not trust that His way is the best way?
Again I testify, the Lord knows us. He loves us. Jesus is the Christ. He atoned for our sins and paid the price for the ends of the law to be satisfied that mercy may have effect. As we exercise faith in Jesus, He will meet us and magnify us. I so testify in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
Missing posts
I discovered recently I have a stash of posts stuck in draft mode - several of them recipes that I had thought I'd blogged about but then couldn't find when I searched for them. Unfortunately when I publish them, they will lose their original date stamp which is something I like to keep. Oh well. So, prepare for draft dump :)
Talk thoughts
Sunday morning as I prayed about my talk, I received the impression that the most important thing I could do was share my testimony and experiences with the Book of Mormon. As I finished typing up my talk, I remembered an experience I had while we were teaching seminary and started to add it in, but took it out. I couldn't shake that memory though and felt that it needed to be shared as well. I was afraid by the time I got to the testimony portion of my talk I'd forget or run out of time. So, I began with the end.
I began my talk basically stating what I just did and then shared the following (roughly):
When Matthew and I taught seminary, I was preparing a lesson on 2 Nephi 2 where Lehi is teaching his children about Jesus Christ and the Atonement. I came to verse 7 and wanted to understand what was meant by 'the ends of the law'
**************
A lot of people seemed to fall asleep during my talk, and I felt like I was mostly reading and that it was really boring. Several people told me afterwards that they really liked and it was good. I hope that it really was helpful for someone along the way. It was good for me to reflect on my experiences with the Book of Mormon. It has strengthened my testimony to remember.
I began my talk basically stating what I just did and then shared the following (roughly):
When Matthew and I taught seminary, I was preparing a lesson on 2 Nephi 2 where Lehi is teaching his children about Jesus Christ and the Atonement. I came to verse 7 and wanted to understand what was meant by 'the ends of the law'
7 Behold, he offereth himself a sacrifice for sin, to answer the ends of the law, unto all those who have a broken heart and a contrite spirit; and unto none else can the ends of the law be answered.As I kept reading, I discovered verse 10 had the answer:
10 And because of the intercession for all, all men come unto God; wherefore, they stand in the presence of him, to be judged of him according to the truth and holiness which is in him. Wherefore, the ends of the law which the Holy One hath given, unto the inflicting of the punishment which is affixed, which punishment that is affixed is in opposition to that of the happiness which is affixed, to answer the ends of the atonement—The Spirit offered me clarity and the realization that the ends of the law are punishment and happiness. In order to answer the ends, Jesus had to experience it during the Atonement. As I realized the depths he experienced, I felt so humbled and understood why He was worthy for us to kneel at His feel and WANTED to kneel to. I am grateful for that moment with the Spirit. I am so grateful for my Savior and the love he feels that he would be willing to do that for each of us.
**************
A lot of people seemed to fall asleep during my talk, and I felt like I was mostly reading and that it was really boring. Several people told me afterwards that they really liked and it was good. I hope that it really was helpful for someone along the way. It was good for me to reflect on my experiences with the Book of Mormon. It has strengthened my testimony to remember.
Sunday, January 17, 2016
The Book of Mormon is the Keystone of our Religion
In the 1986 October General Conference, Pres Ezra Taft Benson gave a talk called The Book of Mormon: Keystone of Our Religion and is the most widely sourced talk on the topic. I also draw my words mostly from his.
The Prophet Joseph Smith testified that “the Book of Mormon was the most correct of any book on earth, and the keystone of our religion” (Introduction to the Book of Mormon). A keystone is the central stone in an arch. It holds all the other stones in place, and if removed, the arch crumbles.
There are three ways in which the Book of Mormon is the keystone of our religion. It is the keystone in our witness of Christ. It is the keystone of our doctrine. It is the keystone of testimony.
Keystone in our Witness of Christ
President Benson continues:
In the title page of the Book of Mormon, it states that one of the purposes of the record is "to the convincing of the Jew and Gentile that Jesus is the Christ, the Eternal God, manifesting himself unto all nations." In fact, Nephi, the first author we hear from in the Book of Mormon tells us in 1 Nephi 6:4 "the fulness of mine intent is that I may persuade men to come unto the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, and be saved." Towards the end of Nephi's life as we read in 2 Nephi 25:23-30, Nephi mentions the name of Christ 16 times!!The Book of Mormon is the keystone in our witness of Jesus Christ, who is Himself the cornerstone of everything we do. It bears witness of His reality with power and clarity. Unlike the Bible, which passed through generations of copyists, translators, and corrupt religionists who tampered with the text, the Book of Mormon came from writer to reader in just one inspired step of translation. Therefore, its testimony of the Master is clear, undiluted, and full of power. But it does even more. Much of the Christian world today rejects the divinity of the Savior. They question His miraculous birth, His perfect life, and the reality of His glorious resurrection. The Book of Mormon teaches in plain and unmistakable terms about the truth of all of those. It also provides the most complete explanation of the Atonement. Truly, this divinely inspired book is a keystone in bearing witness to the world that Jesus is the Christ. (See title page of the Book of Mormon.)
In the middle of the Book of Mormon we have the record of the teachings of Alma and Amulek. Beginning in chapter 32 while attempting to teach the people of Ammonihah, only the poor are willing to hear them. He teaches them how to have faith and nourish it. In chapter 33 the people are taught how to pray, and in 34 the people are taught the word is in Jesus Christ and why an Atonement is necessary. Beginning in verse 5, Amulek says:
5 And we have beheld that the great question which is in your minds is whether the word be in the Son of God, or whether there shall be no Christ.Towards the end of the Book of Mormon we have accounts of the signs of his birth and death, as well as a visit from the resurrected Jesus. In 3 Nephi 11, the people have just spent three days in total darkness following a major upheaval and destruction resulting from earthquakes, tempests, and fires that were the signs given of Christ's death. Those who survived and were gathered in the land of Bountiful
6 And ye also beheld that my brother has proved unto you, in many instances, that the word is in Christ unto salvation.
7 My brother has called upon the words of Zenos, that redemption cometh through the Son of God, and also upon the words of Zenock; and also he has appealed unto Moses, to prove that these things are true.
8 And now, behold, I will testify unto you of myself that these things are true. Behold, I say unto you, that I do know that Christ shall come among the children of men, to take upon him the transgressions of his people, and that he shall atone for the sins of the world; for the Lord God hath spoken it.
2 And they were also conversing about this Jesus Christ, of whom the sign had been given concerning his death.
3 And it came to pass that while they were thus conversing one with another, they heard a voice as if it came out of heaven; and they cast their eyes round about, for they understood not the voice which they heard;
4 And it came to pass that again they heard the voice, and they understood it not.
5 And again the third time they did hear the voice, and did open their ears to hear it; and their eyes were towards the sound thereof; and they did look steadfastly towards heaven, from whence the sound came.
6 And behold, the third time they did understand the voice which they heard; and it said unto them:
7 Behold my Beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased, in whom I have glorified my name—hear ye him.
8 And it came to pass, as they understood they cast their eyes up again towards heaven; and behold, they saw a Man descending out of heaven; and he was clothed in a white robe; and he came down and stood in the midst of them; and the eyes of the whole multitude were turned upon him, and they durst not open their mouths, even one to another, and wist not what it meant, for they thought it was an angel that had appeared unto them.
9 And it came to pass that he stretched forth his hand and spake unto the people, saying:
10 Behold, I am Jesus Christ, whom the prophets testified shall come into the world.
11 And behold, I am the light and the life of the world; and I have drunk out of that bitter cup which the Father hath given me, and have glorified the Father in taking upon me the sins of the world, in the which I have suffered the will of the Father in all things from the beginning.
12 And it came to pass that when Jesus had spoken these words the whole multitude fell to the earth; for they remembered that it had been prophesied among them that Christ should show himself unto them after his ascension into heaven.
Keystone of Our Doctrine
Again from Pres Benson:
The Book of Mormon is also the keystone of the doctrine of the resurrection. As mentioned before, the Lord Himself has stated that the Book of Mormon contains the “fulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ.” (D&C 20:9.) That does not mean it contains every teaching, every doctrine ever revealed. Rather, it means that in the Book of Mormon we will find the fulness of those doctrines required for our salvation. And they are taught plainly and simply so that even children can learn the ways of salvation and exaltation. The Book of Mormon offers so much that broadens our understandings of the doctrines of salvation. Without it, much of what is taught in other scriptures would not be nearly so plain and precious.One year for an Institute class, as we read the Book of Mormon we found teachings, insights, or information that was unique to the Book of Mormon. It was amazing. Recently the Church Education System has created a new course called The Teaching of the Book of Mormon. I think the class outline gives a really great indication of the doctrines and lessons of the Book of Mormon:
(see page)
Keystone of Testimony
From Pres Benson:
Finally, the Book of Mormon is the keystone of testimony. Just as the arch crumbles if the keystone is removed, so does all the Church stand or fall with the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon.Pres James E Faust expounded on this concept in his talk The Keystone of Our Religon:
The Book of Mormon is a keystone because it establishes and ties together eternal principles and precepts, rounding out basic doctrines of salvation. It is the crowning gem in the diadem of our holy scriptures.
It is a keystone for other reasons also. In the promise of Moroni … —namely, that God will manifest the truth of the Book of Mormon to every sincere inquirer having faith in Christ—we have a key link in a self-locking chain.
A confirming testimony of the Book of Mormon convinces ‘that Jesus is the Christ, the Eternal God’ and also spiritually verifies the divine calling of Joseph Smith and that he did see the Father and the Son. With that firmly in place, it logically follows that one can also receive a verification that the Doctrine and Covenants and the Pearl of Great Price are true companion scriptures to the Bible and the Book of Mormon.
All of this confirms the Restoration of the gospel of Jesus Christ and the divine mission of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, led by a living prophet enjoying continuous revelation. From these basic verities, an understanding can flow of other saving principles of the fulness of the gospel.
In addition, the Book of Mormon is a necessary keystone of our own individual faith. An understanding of the Book of Mormon can really help lock into place an individual’s faith in Jesus Christ.Over and over in the Book of Mormon we see the pattern for receiving revelation or a testimony of God's word, beginning with Nephi who wanted to see what his father saw to the end with Moroni's promise that
4 ... when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost.
5 And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things.
President Boyd K. Packer, President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, shared his personal experience and counsel for those seeking a testimony:
“When I first read the Book of Mormon from cover to cover, I read the promise that if I ‘would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if [the things I had read were] true; and if [I would] ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he [would] manifest the truth of it unto [me], by the power of the Holy Ghost’ (Moroni 10:4). I tried to follow those instructions as I understood them.
If I expected a glorious manifestation to come at once as an overpowering experience, it did not happen. Nevertheless, it felt good, and I began to believe. …
My experience has been that a testimony does not burst upon us suddenly. Rather, it grows, as Alma said, from a seed of faith. ‘It will strengthen your faith: for ye will say I know that this is a good seed; for behold it sprouteth and beginneth to grow’ (Alma 32:30). If you nourish it, it will grow; and if you do not nourish it, it will wither (see Alma 32:37–41).
Do not be disappointed if you have read and reread and yet have not received a powerful witness. You may be somewhat like the disciples spoken of in the Book of Mormon who were filled with the power of God in great glory ‘and they knew it not’ (3 Nephi 9:20).When I was a youth, we had a home teacher that challenged our family - specifically us children - to read the Book of Mormon. I took his challenge seriously and did it. My memories are foggy enough at this point that I don't remember if this was the first time I'd read it all the way through, but I was hungry for understanding, knowledge about gospel topics, and a testimony. I looked up every footnote and cross reference for each verse. It took me a long time to finish my study, but by the end my desires were met. And in the reading, I found answers to questions and situations I was facing as a youth. President Benson said
Do the best you can. Think of this verse: ‘See that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order’ (Mosiah 4:27)” (in Conference Report, Apr. 2005, 6–7; or Ensign, May 2005, 6, 8).
There is a power in the book which will begin to flow into your lives the moment you begin a serious study of the book. You will find greater power to resist temptation. You will find the power to avoid deception. You will find the power to stay on the strait and narrow path. The scriptures are called “the words of life” (D&C 84:85), and nowhere is that more true than it is of the Book of Mormon. When you begin to hunger and thirst after those words, you will find life in greater and greater abundance.I found his words to be true. It certainly gave me the strength to resist temptation as a youth, and continues to give me the strength to meet the challenges I face as an adult. I love the writers of the Book of Mormon. I am so grateful for their strength and courage to do what is right even when it was hard.
Our beloved brother, President Marion G. Romney, testified of the blessings that can come into the lives of those who will read and study the Book of Mormon. He said:
“I feel certain that if, in our homes, parents will read from the Book of Mormon prayerfully and regularly, both by themselves and with their children, the spirit of that great book will come to permeate our homes and all who dwell therein. The spirit of reverence will increase; mutual respect and consideration for each other will grow. The spirit of contention will depart. Parents will counsel their children in greater love and wisdom. Children will be more responsive and submissive to the counsel of their parents. Righteousness will increase. Faith, hope, and charity—the pure love of Christ—will abound in our homes and lives, bringing in their wake peace, joy, and happiness” (Ensign, May 1980, p. 67).
These promises—increased love and harmony in the home, greater respect between parent and child, increased spirituality and righteousness—are not idle promises, but exactly what the Prophet Joseph Smith meant when he said the Book of Mormon will help us draw nearer to God.It is my hope and prayer that we see that promise come to fruition in our home and family. I leave my testimony of the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon with you in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
Monday, January 11, 2016
NO SISSY! Weight loss contest end and evaluation
Total loss = .8 pounds :/
(just a reminder, first number is Thursday weigh in (official) and the second is Monday)
Dec 21 Week 12: 169.1
Dec 14 Week 11: 168.7/169.5
Dec 7 Week 10: 168/168.4
Nov 30 Week 9: 167.1/167.6
Nov 23 Week 8: 166.2/169.1
Nov 16 Week 7: 165.1
Nov 9 Week 6: 166.4/164.5
Nov 2 Week 5: 164.2 (1.4 lb loss)/164.0 (1.3 lb loss)
Oct 26 Week 4: 165.6 (.4 lb loss)/ 165.3 (0 loss)
Oct 19 Week 3: 166.0 (.9 lb loss)/165.3 (.5 lb loss)
Oct 12 Week 2: 166.9 (.2 lb loss)/165.8 (1.8 lb loss)
Oct 5 Week 1: 167.1 (2.7 lb loss)/167.6 (3.3 lb loss)
Sep 29 Start: 169.8/170.9
As you can see, about mid-Nov I started losing my momentum and started gaining. It was the beginning of an unraveling that culminated at the end of the year. As I look at the numbers, it felt like more than it really was. I had tried to follow the THM principles, but always hanging over my head was the idea of needing to go dairy free. It is really hard to do THM dairy free (at least, using the recipes in the book and all over the internet). It is a lot of work to cut dairy out of your diet if you aren't trying to separate your carbs and fats. But the anxiety of thinking about dairy free bled into other areas of my life. Once I was kicked out of the contest, all shreds of motivation were gone and by Christmas I was pretty much where I started.
At the beginning of the contest, we were exercising as a family. By the end of Oct, Matthew's PT test was passed and no longer a motivation for working out. Our family exercise challenge fell away and that was the end of my physical output too. My left heel has been bothering me for a few months, but it was getting worse. By mid-December my knees started aching as well as all my other joints (like arthritic), and between my foot and joints it hurt to move. I began feeling depressed as well. Sugary Christmas treats were in abundance in my belly at that point, and I don't know if it was the sudden increase of sugar or just general lack of good nutrition that started causing problems. Circular reasoning is hard to find the beginning in. I'm not sure if hormone fluctuations were causing mental issues or if the not eating right was causing me to not feel right or if they were just feeding each other.
As I write this today, the knee pains are pretty much gone and I can walk a bit easier. I tried some plantar fascia inserts and they worked for about a week and then I started getting the knee pain. I took the inserts out and things started improving again (so maybe that was the cause of the knee problems), but I also stopped eating as much sugar to see if I could detox from it and get better. Again, who knows where the cause and effect truly lie. I still have not done any official exercising, but I am back on the THM wagon and trying to do dairy sparingly. It still haunts me and I'm tempted to cut the whole family off from dairy instead of just me and P, but I'm trying not to let that thought become debilitating. We've started a new contest as of last week - Work your Adipose Off (or something to that effect). So far I've been able to follow THM like I'd like, but also give myself grace.
(just a reminder, first number is Thursday weigh in (official) and the second is Monday)
Dec 21 Week 12: 169.1
Dec 14 Week 11: 168.7/169.5
Dec 7 Week 10: 168/168.4
Nov 30 Week 9: 167.1/167.6
Nov 23 Week 8: 166.2/169.1
Nov 16 Week 7: 165.1
Nov 9 Week 6: 166.4/164.5
Nov 2 Week 5: 164.2 (1.4 lb loss)/164.0 (1.3 lb loss)
Oct 26 Week 4: 165.6 (.4 lb loss)/ 165.3 (0 loss)
Oct 19 Week 3: 166.0 (.9 lb loss)/165.3 (.5 lb loss)
Oct 12 Week 2: 166.9 (.2 lb loss)/165.8 (1.8 lb loss)
Oct 5 Week 1: 167.1 (2.7 lb loss)/167.6 (3.3 lb loss)
Sep 29 Start: 169.8/170.9
As you can see, about mid-Nov I started losing my momentum and started gaining. It was the beginning of an unraveling that culminated at the end of the year. As I look at the numbers, it felt like more than it really was. I had tried to follow the THM principles, but always hanging over my head was the idea of needing to go dairy free. It is really hard to do THM dairy free (at least, using the recipes in the book and all over the internet). It is a lot of work to cut dairy out of your diet if you aren't trying to separate your carbs and fats. But the anxiety of thinking about dairy free bled into other areas of my life. Once I was kicked out of the contest, all shreds of motivation were gone and by Christmas I was pretty much where I started.
At the beginning of the contest, we were exercising as a family. By the end of Oct, Matthew's PT test was passed and no longer a motivation for working out. Our family exercise challenge fell away and that was the end of my physical output too. My left heel has been bothering me for a few months, but it was getting worse. By mid-December my knees started aching as well as all my other joints (like arthritic), and between my foot and joints it hurt to move. I began feeling depressed as well. Sugary Christmas treats were in abundance in my belly at that point, and I don't know if it was the sudden increase of sugar or just general lack of good nutrition that started causing problems. Circular reasoning is hard to find the beginning in. I'm not sure if hormone fluctuations were causing mental issues or if the not eating right was causing me to not feel right or if they were just feeding each other.
As I write this today, the knee pains are pretty much gone and I can walk a bit easier. I tried some plantar fascia inserts and they worked for about a week and then I started getting the knee pain. I took the inserts out and things started improving again (so maybe that was the cause of the knee problems), but I also stopped eating as much sugar to see if I could detox from it and get better. Again, who knows where the cause and effect truly lie. I still have not done any official exercising, but I am back on the THM wagon and trying to do dairy sparingly. It still haunts me and I'm tempted to cut the whole family off from dairy instead of just me and P, but I'm trying not to let that thought become debilitating. We've started a new contest as of last week - Work your Adipose Off (or something to that effect). So far I've been able to follow THM like I'd like, but also give myself grace.
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
Scripture Power
Powerful and interesting thought today as I was preparing for Thursday's scripture class. 2 Nephi 30:18 contains the promise that "Satan shall have power over the hearts of the children of men no more, for a long time" (referring to the Millenium, the period of time after Jesus Christ returns to the earth). 1 Nephi 22:26 explains that it is "because of the righteousness of his people, Satan has no power; wherefore, he cannot be loosed for the space of many years; for he hath no power over the hearts of the people, for they dwell in righteousness, and the Holy One of Israel reigneth." Here is the really powerful thought from Pres Spencer W Kimball: “When Satan is bound in a single home—when Satan is bound in a single life—the Millennium has already begun in that home, in that life” (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball [1982], 172). Satan only has as much power as we give him.
Saturday, January 2, 2016
Fighting
I have been really struggling the last month for a variety of reasons, but I am coming to an understanding about myself. I've been dealing with anxiety and depression. The more I've thought about it, I think I am on the spectrum for anxiety disorder but I've dealt with it in a somewhat healthy way up until now. It is hard to distinguish where it ends and begins. As I've sifted through my thoughts, one thing that is clear to me is that spirituality feeds me. It really makes or breaks me, and unfortunately I have been starving my spirit. I make token measures to rekindle good spiritual habits over the last few years, but they are not part of me like they have in the past. In an effort to force myself into the scriptures, I began a scripture study class after we moved here. For a few weeks it helped me make scripture time a priority, but then I lost it as others took their turns for teaching. When it was my turn to teach again, it helped to bring me back in. My chapters focused on the Savior (as so many do) and this particular focus brought me to a conviction again but it still didn't instill a habit.
The first Sunday of December I focused my fast on me. I recognized I needed help. Having that moment to myself with the Lord in prayer began breaking down a wall. I found that I had a moment in the mornings to myself that I could dedicate to prayer and scriptures study. It really has helped to have those moments to myself and to work on establishing a habit again. Having the scripture study class allowed me to have a "reason" or focus to my study too, but then Christmas break has kind of put a wrench in it. I was able to keep up for the most part but I lost my consecutive days reading streak a few days ago and am now trying to get back on track. My reading schedule has been scripture class assignment Mon - Thurs and then the other days are focused on Sunday lessons assignments.
Today I had the quiet time in the morning to read again, so I decided to read the Sunday School assignment for tomorrow. We are doing the Book of Mormon again, so I am excited to double up on it. Since it is the first lesson of the year, it's an introduction lesson. Honestly while I was reading today it wasn't penetrating until I came to the ones from D&C 84. These particular verses stood out to me:
D&C 84:54,61
54 And your minds in times past have been darkened because of unbelief, and because you have treated lightly the things you have received—
61 For I will forgive you of your sins with this commandment—that you remain steadfast in your minds in solemnity and the spirit of prayer, in bearing testimony to all the world of those things which are communicated unto you.
I had to read those several times, but I have no doubt the Lord was speaking to me. It's true. My mind has been darkened because of unbelief and not taking things seriously enough to change me. He gives me the answer too: steadfastness (having faith), prayer, and sharing my testimony. Tomorrow is testimony meeting. Guess I'll be sharing. But the other place my testimony that needs to be shared is in my own home. The experience I referenced earlier about conviction actually left me with the impression that I needed to do more at home to focus on the Savior and the gospel but nothing changed. I think part of the message being communicated to me today is that it needs to happen. The gospel needs to be a priority.
I need to explore this some more and make an actual plan for fruition. But for now, my thoughts are at least turned to the Lord and on 'paper'.
The first Sunday of December I focused my fast on me. I recognized I needed help. Having that moment to myself with the Lord in prayer began breaking down a wall. I found that I had a moment in the mornings to myself that I could dedicate to prayer and scriptures study. It really has helped to have those moments to myself and to work on establishing a habit again. Having the scripture study class allowed me to have a "reason" or focus to my study too, but then Christmas break has kind of put a wrench in it. I was able to keep up for the most part but I lost my consecutive days reading streak a few days ago and am now trying to get back on track. My reading schedule has been scripture class assignment Mon - Thurs and then the other days are focused on Sunday lessons assignments.
Today I had the quiet time in the morning to read again, so I decided to read the Sunday School assignment for tomorrow. We are doing the Book of Mormon again, so I am excited to double up on it. Since it is the first lesson of the year, it's an introduction lesson. Honestly while I was reading today it wasn't penetrating until I came to the ones from D&C 84. These particular verses stood out to me:
D&C 84:54,61
54 And your minds in times past have been darkened because of unbelief, and because you have treated lightly the things you have received—
61 For I will forgive you of your sins with this commandment—that you remain steadfast in your minds in solemnity and the spirit of prayer, in bearing testimony to all the world of those things which are communicated unto you.
I had to read those several times, but I have no doubt the Lord was speaking to me. It's true. My mind has been darkened because of unbelief and not taking things seriously enough to change me. He gives me the answer too: steadfastness (having faith), prayer, and sharing my testimony. Tomorrow is testimony meeting. Guess I'll be sharing. But the other place my testimony that needs to be shared is in my own home. The experience I referenced earlier about conviction actually left me with the impression that I needed to do more at home to focus on the Savior and the gospel but nothing changed. I think part of the message being communicated to me today is that it needs to happen. The gospel needs to be a priority.
I need to explore this some more and make an actual plan for fruition. But for now, my thoughts are at least turned to the Lord and on 'paper'.
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